Short Story – Chapter One

Waking up after noon is never a good thing.  Even if you work the graveyard shift, there’s something really depressing about waking up and half the day is already gone. In Florida, where you are almost guaranteed to look out your window and see a beautiful sunny day, it’s even more depressing. That feeling of self-hatred for being indoors and knowing what you’re missing just outside.  I’ve been doing a lot of this sleeping in lately. Maybe because I’m lazy, maybe because I’m depressed but whatever the reason, I’ve got to change soon.

Last night at the bingo hall was ridiculous. That’s right, the bingo hall. I don’t play bingo. Even worse, I work at a bingo hall.  Or maybe I should say I ‘volunteer.’  That’s what we (the paid employees) are called.  When you hear the phrase ‘bingo hall,’ what comes to mind?  Well, that’s exactly what it is.  A large room clouded in second-hand smoke, filled with white and grey haired senior citizens.  Cigarette in one hand, bingo marker in the other, most of these bastards go to the bingo hall everyday to chase their own dragon.  But in this case, their drug of choice is the opportunity to shout ‘bingo!’

Anyway, about last night.  You see, when the last game of bingo is played, usually around 11pm, there’s a mad rush for the door.  I say mad rush figuratively.  It’s more like a scene out of a 70′s zombie movie (you know, the ones where the zombies are laughably slow). Why they rush, I have no idea.  I mean where do old people have to be at eleven at night? Well, as the bastards are all making a rushed shuffle for the door, one older woman shit her pants.  Somehow the shit managed to fall all the way down her pants and onto the floor.  Not sure how that happened – but it did.  She didn’t even pause. As she’s rushing out the door, she’s leaving a glorious trail of shit behind her.  Large rabbit pellet shit. Maybe she left the shit trail so she could find her way back tomorrow. But like I said, all the bingo players make a rush for the door, so everyone behind her is unknowingly (I hope) stomping and stepping all over these little chocolate presents. Some of them don’t lift their feet when they walk, so they slid their feet right into it.  I just stood there in amazement.  I didn’t even try to stop or warn any of them.  Partly because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing but mostly because I thought they all deserved to walk in it. This is the image that immediately pops in my head as I woke up today.  Thankfully I didn’t dream about it.
My cell phone rings.  The time between the ringing of the phone and looking at the screen to see who is calling is some of the most suspenseful and anxious moments for me (having a creative imagination and some symptoms of paranoia will do that to a person). In this instance, the call is a worst case scenario. 
  I pick up the phone and see the name of who’s calling. One of the most dreadful words in the English language: ‘BINGO.’  Fuck, work is calling.  On a day off this would be the last call I’d want to take but since I’m already scheduled to work today, I’m more intrigued than anything else. “Wazzzzup?” I say, with a tone similar to that of those old played out Budweiser commercials.  It’s my boss Susie.  “Cliff, you have to work the snack bar tonight.  Miller called in sick.”  Damn. “Do I have to be there at two?” I ask.  The snack bar schedule is different than my normal shift.  It’s 2-9pm (my normal time is 4-11).  I actually prefer the snack bar times, since for the first few hours I don’t have to interact with any bingo players (the bingo hall doesn’t open ’til four).  However, it’s already 1:30.  I am not psychologically prepared to be at work in thirty minutes.  “OK, but I’ll be a little late.” I’m already hedging a few extra free minutes of freedom since I’m doing them a favor.  I tell Susie I’ll get there at 2:15…but I think we both know that means 2:30.  Not because I’m notorious for being late, but because I know I can do it with no reprocussions.  I’ve worked at the bingo hall for four years, since I was 21.  In those four years I moved up from working the snack bar to being sort of an assistant manager, even managing the entire place once a week.  Yeah, exactly what I dreamed I’d be doing at 25. Living the American dream.  Now it’s all starting to sink in and I’m beginning to realize why it is I feel I need to make a major change in my life.  But when you’re smoking weed all the time, you sort of lose ambition and wake up each day somewhat forgetting your goals and aspirations from the day before.  Thus making it that much easier to carry on like everything is ok.
I do a little wake-and-bake (smoke some weed), walk and feed my dog (a rottweiler named Jinx), get ready for work, and head out the door.

Comedians Who Die Way Too Early

Patrice O’ Neal died today at the age of 40.  He was a great comic who didn’t need a set of material to go on stage and kill it.  Loved his sense of humor and his unPCness.  Greg Giraldo another great comic who did some Comedy Roasts with O’Neal died just two months ago at the age of 44.  Got me thinking about how many comics go way too young.  Here’s the SHORT list (thanks to Patrick Bromley):

- Bill Hicks
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Perhaps no better, more influential comedic voice was more tragically cut short Bill Hicks. The comic — who should have been a household name, and would have been had he not passed prematurely — was a brilliant satirist and darkly honest comic who could eviscerate any given topic with the ferocity of a chain-smoking attack dog.  Hicks died of pancreatic cancer in 1994. He was only 32 years old. Though he died too young, his legacy lives on in the comics he inspired.

- Lenny Bruce

 Photo courtesy Fulton Archive

One of the godfathers of modern stand-up comdy, Lenny Bruce fought for free speech and pushed the limits of what a comedian could say and do on stage — and came up with some classic stand-up routines in the process.  Bruce, who had been a drug addict for some years, was found dead of an overdose in 1966. He was 40 years old. Comedy would not be the same without his contributions, short-lived as they may have been.

- Greg Giraldo

Photo by Kristian Dowling/Getty Images

Like a number of comedians on this list, Greg Giraldo seemed to just be hitting his stride when he died suddenly of an accidental overdose of prescription medication in September of 2010.  He was becoming quite a comedy star thanks to his killer appearances on the annual Comedy Central roasts. His comedy was smart and dark and bitingly ascerbic; he was, to put it simply, one of the best comedians of his generation.

- Mitch Hedberg

Photo by Scott Gries/Getty Images

Mitch Hedberg is that rare comedian whose popularity and success came largely after he died or a drug overdose in 2005. He was the master of the aburd one-liner. It wasn’t until after he was gone that the mainstream public became aware of his genius, finally discovering his 2003 album Mitch All Together.  Hedberg was on his way to becoming one of the biggest, most influential comics of his generation, and his death at age 37 was a tragic waste.

- John Belushi

Photo by Getty Images

John Belushi was a comedy icon when he died in 1982, thanks to his breakout status on Saturday Night Live (he was one of the original Not Ready for Prime Time Players) and his iconic role in the 1978 filmAnimal House. He was one of the first wild men of comedy, whose addictions and hard-partying lifestyle defined him almost as much as his need to be funny. Belushi was only 33 when he died of a drug overdose, robbing the world of one of its most gifted comic performers.

- Chris Farley

Photo by Stewart Cook/Getty Images

Chris Farley idolized John Belushi, so it’s no surprise that the simllarites between them are uncanny: like Belushi, Chris Farley started out doing sketch comedy at Chicago’s Second City. Like Belushi, he went on to become a breakout star on Saturday Night Livebefore transitioning into popular comedy films (like Tommy Boy). And, like Belushi, Chris Farley lived too hard and was addicted to drugs and alcohol. When he died in 1997 of a drug overdose, he was 33 years old — the same age as Belushi when he died.

- Robert Schimmel

Photo by Chad Buchanan/Getty Images

Robert Schimmel survived tremendous hardship only to be tragically killed by a random occurance. He beat cancer, survived a heart attack and lived through major marital difficulties (divorcing his wife multiple times, then marrying the best friend of his oldest daughter before separating from her, too), mining all of that pain in his brutally honest, dark stand-up routines. It’s all the more tragic, then, that Schimmel’s difficult life was cut short when he died of injuries sustained in a car accident in September of 2010.

- Andy Kaufman

Photo by Fotos International/Getty Images

Andy Kaufman was one of comedy’s greatest oddballs. From his iconic performances on Saturday Night Live (lip-synching the theme toMighty Mouse) to his supporting role as Latka Gravas on Taxi to his alternate personality as nightclub singer Tony Clifton to his late-career run as an amateur wrestler (who only wrestled women), seemingly all of Kaufman’s comedy ventures were offbeat, anti-comedy stunts. Though he lived his entire life as a health freak, Kaufman was diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer at age 34 and died just one year later. Who knows what the next phase of his comedy might have been.

You can now add Patrice O’Neal to this list, as well as others like Bernie Mac and Sam Kinnison.

To be continued…

Stupid People Are Breeding, Funny People Are Dying (Patrice O’ Neal)

From the AP:

O’Neal’s manager, Jonathan Brandstein, said he died in a New York-area hospital today.

“Many of us have lost a close and loved friend; all of us have lost a true comic genius,” Brandstein said.

In a tweet today, Sheen said: “The entertainment world as well as the world at large lost a brilliant man.

“Patrice had that rare ‘light’ around him and inside of him. I only knew him for the few days leading up to the Roast. Yet I will forever be inspired by his nobility, his grace and his epic talent. My tears today are for the tremendous loss to his true friends and loving family,” he added.

Other entertainers also mourned O’Neal on Twitter.

“RIP Patrice O’Neal. You made us laugh til we cried,” comedian Sarah Silverman said.

Actor Jay Mohr said, “Just heard. Goodnight brother. Damn. Just ridiculous. Terrible. Beyond sad.”

O’Neal had specials on US networks Showtime and HBO and was the host of Web Junk 20 on VH1. He appeared in numerous television shows including Arrested Development, Chappelle’s Show and The Office.

Random Dan –  Another comedian passes way before their time.  Almost two months ago to the day, Greg Giraldo died of an overdose.  Whatever the reason for these comedians, it’s usually the life they lived that caused the outcomes.  But you have to think that being a comedian for a ‘career’ has to be tough on the body.  Traveling, late night shows, early morning radio.  I’m sure at every one of their shows there is  someone in attendance that would like to buy them a drink, smoke them out, or give them a bj for their troubles.  

I’ve done stand up a few times and I have always loved the idea of being a full time comic.  It just sounds like the perfect life.  Traveling, making people laugh, partying, etc.  I can see how these guys get caught up in the whole situation.  

Hopefully Patrice is the last of these guys to go young but we know that’s not gonna’ happen.  I just hope this never happens to any of my comedian friends.  

I know if I ever got into comedy this would sure as hell happen to me.

Change to Prayers

Random Dan – So it looks like (English speaking) Roman Catholics have been praying wrong all this time.  So does this mean god wasn’t listening?  Hopefully they will be forgiven.  Luckily enough you can do anything you want as long as you repent after.  Love that rule!  Sneaky religious folks you.

 

CLAYTON, N.C. (AP) — English-speaking Roman Catholics who have regularly attended Mass for years found themselves in an unfamiliar position Sunday, needing printed cards or sheets of paper to follow along with a ritual many have known since childhood.

“I don’t think I said it the right way once,” said Matthew Hoover, who attends St. Ann Catholic Church in Clayton, a growing town on the edge of the Raleigh suburbs. “I kept forgetting, and saying the old words.”

The Mass itself — the central ritual of the Catholic faith — hasn’t changed, but the English translation has, in the largest shakeup to the everyday faith of believers since the upheavals that followed the Second Vatican Council in the 1960s. A years-long process of revision and negotiation led to an updated version of the Roman Missal, the text of prayers and instructions for celebrating Mass, which originally was written in Latin. The new translation was rolled out across the English-speaking Catholic world on Sunday after months of preparation.

Mickey Mattox, a professor at Milwaukee’s Marquette University, said he was happy with the idea that the bishops wanted the translations as accurate as possible.

Adapting to the changes “was a lot less difficult than I thought it might be,” said Mattox, 55, adding, “even though probably all of us are going to end up holding our worship folders for a few weeks until we memorize all the new language.”

The Rev. George Witt, pastor of the Church of St. Ignatius Loyolaon New York’s Park Avenue, started the 11 a.m. Mass by noting Sunday was not only the first day of Advent, but also the first day to use the new Missal. He directed parishioners to a pamphlet inserted into the back of the now-outdated hymnal that spelled out the new wording. A notable number of worshippers stumbled after the priest said, “Peace be with you.” The new response is “And with your spirit” instead of “And also with you.” But many others confidently gave the right response.

Kathleen McCormack, a church volunteer and former school teacher, said she didn’t like the new translation and didn’t understand why the church needed a translation closer to Latin.

“Consubstantial? What is that word?” McCormack said, referring to a term in the retranslated Nicene Creed that replaces language calling Jesus “one in being with the Father.”

But she saw a cautionary tale in the many Catholics she saw distance themselves from the church over changes made after the modernizing reforms of the Second Vatican Council.

“It’s not shaking my church experience,” said McCormack, as she handed out church bulletins. “You have the spirit between you and God and the words are insignificant.”

Most of the changes are actually to prayers recited by the priest, but some of the changes for prayers spoken or sung by the congregation revise familiar words that for some people are spoken almost automatically after years of churchgoing.

Along with the new response and unfamiliar words, the affirmation “We believe” has been replaced with “I believe” in the Nicene Creed. Some of the language seems more formal or poetic: the word “cup” has become “chalice.”

“It’s more British in some ways,” said Monsignor Michael Clay, pastor of St. Ann. “But this is the first time that every English-speaking country in the world will be using the same translation of the Mass.”

Clay likes the new translation, finding it closer to the Latin text that is still the church’s official language. But some priests and parishioners have been less enthusiastic, criticizing the new version as too ponderous or distant, and in some cases circulating petitions asking for a delay in introducing the new missal.

Maribeth Lynch, 51, a publisher from the Milwaukee suburb of Elm Grove, said she was “distraught” over the changes and would refuse to “learn the damn prayers.”

“It’s ridiculous. I’ve been a Catholic for 50 years, and why would they make such stupid changes? They’re word changes. They’re semantics,” she said.

“It’s confusion. All it’s doing is causing confusion,” she said. “You want to go to church and be confused?”

The roots of the new translation go back to that epochal council held at the Vatican in the 1960s, which allowed Mass in languages other than Latin. An English-language missal was produced by 1973, but that was intended to be temporary while improvements were made.

In 2001, the Vatican office that oversees worship issued a directive requiring translation of the English missal that would be closer to the Latin rather than to more familiar vernacular speech. Numerous revisions and bishops’ meetings eventually produced agreement on the translation being used Sunday.

Parishes and dioceses around the country have spent months trying to prepare Catholics for the change. Descriptions of the new translation have been printed in weekly bulletins, seminars have been held and, since Labor Day, many parishes have been gradually introducing the new translation piece by piece, starting with the parts of the liturgy that are sung.

Most of those activities are for the benefit of the average Catholic, but it’s priests who have more new material to master.

“I’ve had a new missal in my hands for about three weeks now, and I’ve been literally practicing the prayers,” Clay said. “I’ve been doing this now for 31 years, and a lot of these prayers I actually know by memory. I have to make sure my brain isn’t getting ahead of my mouth.”

___

Associated Press writers Rachel Zoll in New York City and Dinesh Ramde in Milwaukee contributed to this report.

Saturday Night Live: Korea Style!

By Noh Hyun-gi

Legendary American sketch comedy and variety show Saturday Night Live (SNL) has entertained the world with its pointed political satire and priceless skits for the past 37 years.

Channel tvN is taking on the formidable task of producing a Korean version. Famed director and writer Jang Jin, who will be directing the program, called it a dream come true at a press conference in Cheongdam-dong, southern Seoul, Thursday.

But how the show full of acid political satire and sexual jokes will hit it off with the Korean audience remains to be seen.

The original

“Live from New York, Its’ Saturday Night!” Watching SNL, though not so well-known in Korea, is part of the American tradition. Every episode usually features a guest host, usually a celebrity, with a permanent SNL cast to perform live acts. In the opening sketch, various figures have made cameo appearances including President Barack Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

The Korean version will follow the same format of a host and 16 cast members and will present 10 skits each Saturday.

Let’s talk politics

Last week, an opposition lawmaker shot a tear-gas canister into the main hall at the National Assembly as the governing party railroaded through a free trade agreement with the United States, prompting outbursts of criticism.

Jang believes today’s politics serves up a full dish for political satire.

“Before, any political satire could be directed at the ruling party. But nowadays there are a lot things to pick on in the opposition party as well,” he said.

Yet ridiculing politics is walking on thin ice and has been a realm for journalism. A podcast radio show “I’m a Weasel” has gained popularity by criticizing the current government. Recently Rep. Kang Yong-seok, who almost lost his Assembly seat over inappropriate remarks to female collegians aspiring to become announcers, filed a libel suit Thursday against comedian Choi Hyo-jong, for offending lawmakers during a show.

Jang said that he plans to be fearless and work on leveling the satire as the show goes on.

The hosts

The low recognition of SNL in Korea and the daunting role of the main guest host led many to decline the offer. Actor Kim Joo-hyuk, who has a calm and serious mask, will host the first episode. At the press conference Jang thanked Kim for taking on the challenge to make SNL Korea shine.

The producers of the show are well aware of these issues in importing the all-American show, which is why the show only has eight episodes planned. Jang said he hopes to make this a long-running show. He hopes the first season will attract more celebrities as hosts so it can continue. If Ahn Yeong-mi, the only female comedian for SNL Korea, can pull off either Rep. Na Kyung-won or Rep. Park Geun-hye like Tina Fey impersonates Sarah Palin it would be priceless.

SNL Korea will air starting Dec. 3 on tvN at 11 p.m.

 

Random Dan – I have watched a few different Korean comedy/sketch shows and they seem to be pretty funny.  The language barrier makes it tough to get the majority of the jokes but the best thing about stage comedy is that language isn’t exactly necessary.  If this show is anything like USA’s SNL it will involve current events, politics, and anything else to make an audience laugh.  I’m interested to see the reaction to this type of show in Korea.  Koreans take politics very seriously.  I’ve watched SNL for as long as I can remember.  I think Koreans need more laughter and hopefully this show can bring a new vision of entertainment.

Korea Student Kills Mother – Keeps Hidden for Eight Months

By Kim Rahn – Korea Times

A high school student is suspected of having killed his mother and keeping the body hidden for eight months at their home after being pressured by her to get higher exam scores.

Gwangjin Police in eastern Seoul said Thursday they have requested an arrest warrant for the 18-year-old high school senior, identified as Ji, on suspicions of murdering his mother, 51-year-old Park.

Ji is suspected of having stabbed his mother to death at their home in eastern Seoul at around 11 a.m. on March 13. The body was kept in her room for eight months.

According to police, Park kept telling her son that he must enter a top-class university and should rank first in nationwide exams. When he obtained lower scores than her expectations, she didn’t give him food or forced him to stay awake at night to study.

Being afraid of her scolding, Ji had fabricated grade reports since middle school. His fear grew as his test scores fell after entering high school.

“The student said his mother was supposed to visit his teacher, and he was afraid she might find out that he fabricated his nationwide test grade to 62nd from 4,000th and inflict severe corporal punishment on him,” a police officer said, adding 4,000th was still within the top 1 percent of all students.

On the day before the crime, the mother, not satisfied with the grade of 62nd, told him he should do better, made him do push-ups, and beat him with a baseball bat and a golf club for about 10 hours, Ji said.

Ji lived with his mother after his father left home five years ago. But his friends said that he hadn’t shown any discontent or anger to his mother, adding he was cheerful. He invited some friends to his home to eat ramen together even after the crime.

When relatives or neighbors asked about his mother’s whereabouts after the murder, Ji told them that she had left home, too. The student sealed the door of the room, where the body was kept, with glue and tape so the odor of the decaying body would not leak outside.

The crime was detected when his father dropped in at the home. Becoming suspicious when the son tried to prevent him from entering, and noticing the door was sealed, the father called the police and the murder was revealed.

“During interrogation, he cried and confessed to the killing, saying the mother kept appearing in his dreams after the crime,” the officer said.

Random Dan- Another story here in Korea that shows just how high the stress level is when it comes to testing and college.  These kids are overworked and over stressed.  

Rant for Ramen (12 days of Christmas) Comedy Event: December 15

From the Facebook event:

As part of RMT’s 12 days of Christmas, Stand up Seoul will be hosting another long awaited RANT NIGHT.

rant: Verb: -to utter in a bombastic declamatory fashion

It’s simple. You choose your topic(s), and you get 5 minutes to essentially rant and rave and wow the audience with your karaizzy elocution skills. Basically, it’s bitching in a funny, interesting way.

5,000 won to get on the mic. (first come first serve, no more than 12) Anyone can participate!!! You don’t have to be a Stand up Seoul comedian. Winner gets the pot and a pile of delicious Ramen. 5 minutes each. Audience applause chooses the winner.

It’s awesome.
It’s hilarious.
It’s therapeutic.

See you there. Invite your friends on FB.

**This event is NOT in lue of Stand up Seoul’s montlhly open mic show. Stand up Seoul’s monthly will be on Dec 1st. But you should definitely go to both. http://www.facebook.com/events/275898545789305/

 

Random Dan: It will be the first 12 to sign up to get on stage.  I’m really hoping to do this.  Got plenty of stuff to rant about!  Should be a great night!  Everyone feels better after a good ranting!